what it’s like to fade


the dust that came off the cover of your favorite book,
the unused pens and notepads that you once thought were pretty,
the notification from the app that reminds you to catch up with that series that always made you laugh,
and all the countless thoughts that had been confined inside your head—
they are all craving for freedom; waiting to be released from your suffocating space;
longing for you to need them, again.

what it’s like to break

let me break it to you:
silence means breaking
perhaps dismantling a more void you
and it feels like it’s crippling
all your bones
all your hopes
and it’s suffocating
while it’s enabling
the dead nightmares inside you
to swallow your nerves
while it’s disabling
you to smile and function
let me break it to you:
moon is silent
but neither broken
nor suffocated
stars are made to warm
the skies and eyes
perhaps they’re dismantling you
and enabling you
to see how that void can be
something so painful and purposeful
that you
won’t even have to run anymore.

what it’s like to fall asleep

i took a rest
as i felt of losing the desire
the eagerness
to spill or to expose
whatever fills the void
whatever cements the shattered spots
whatever breaks the peace
whatever hushes the blaring sounds

all in my head—
a never-ending cycle
a painful encounter
that will never go away

so i took a rest
as i felt of losing the fire
to overcome the freezing
and the numbing point

have i ever exposed it
or just absorbed all of it?

that’s why i took a rest—
and attempted to arrest
the culprit that has been
destroying the solitude:
my mind?

it’s a never-ending cycle.

breaking the stigma of unmotivated life

         This morning, imagine that your mood betrayed you again. Today, it was the feeling of almost dying—of almost disappearing, again.  Perhaps it was not just your mood, it was your body or your mind or your will or should you ask yourself: is there any? You could not imagine how and why it often happens but probably, you might have been losing track—just like me, just like everyone else. We all live in the same universe where sad people with their ridiculous tears and voices bother everyone else. We nonsensically dream for even a slightest tilt of this universe, hoping that it could change our poor fates, hoping that it could give us something better. Yet, at the end of the day, we still all end up being unmotivated and sad. The terms hopes and dreams are now lexical ambiguities for they already lost their true purpose and meanings. The essence of happiness comes with the idea of terrible consequences—the very reason why we are so afraid to laugh or love genuinely.

            Honestly, most people we know love the smell of the pages of a brand new book. It is the scent a brand new learning and brand new memories that it might cause us. The sound of our keyboards make when they touch our fingers, it is perfect at midnight when matched with brewed coffee. Thus, there is this magnetic effect between human heart and tragic literature. We are hooked to glittered stuff as much as we are drawn to sad-themed stories. Among all the genres of literature, the melancholic ones always leave us puzzled and wounded. And most of the time, they leave us empty. But how can emptiness be so heavy? Little did we know that we are all the same; all the people crave for colorful stuff yet patronize black-and-white lifestyle. There is always sadness hidden within every person’s desires. And I would say that it is totally fine and beautiful. Life is not always unicorns and rainbows. Once in our lives, we all have felt of going to the wrong path. However, the best thing that we can do is just talk about things; let our favorite persons discuss the grandest and simplest subjects that matter to us. Help everyone find answers. Let us see where those conversations take us. Sharing our personal lame encounters might make this substantial, yet it will address the biggest battle the world is terribly facing right now—the battle against ourselves. Little by little, you would finally learn to cope with the world. Little by little, I know we all would, too.

           Essentially, this is constructed out of my personal sentiments but this is for people who also feel exhausted of finding their places, getting dizzy by the revolving world, being always mistaken and judged by the absurd faces or masks or fake faces that we have to wear every single day. This is for all of us individuals who have the bizarre ability to feel the world, who are eager to maintain profound connection among all the silly emotions of the world. So, tomorrow morning, I hope your mood won’t betray you again. I hope you will feel that sensation of almost floating in a cloud of laughter and happiness.  Perhaps it will not just be your mood, it is also your body or your mind or your will or should you ask yourself: can I stay this way every single day?

serious problem

This has become my serious
problem, I suppose.

The more I dive into the world
and destroy my comfort zone,

The more the feeling
of being less significant eats
my entire body

I could not make
something perfect, or acceptable

I could not feel
proud about matters
I have accomplished

Because those are not

and never will be.

I suppose, this is my serious
problem and I need